Just Words Not Poetry

I’m strong and yet not quite enough
To fight convictions strength
Your decision not to let me close
To keep me at arms length

Though you held me close to skin at times
Your heart was locked away
I guess there’s little parts of you
That still yearn for yesterday

I’m guilty too of building walls
That even you can’t scale
Wondering why you didn’t notice
See all that’s me behind this veil

I thought that I was honest
Never once i lied to you
Suffocated myself pretending though
And denying what was true

That even if I’m perfect
And our souls were intertwined
Your’e just not ready to risk your freedom now
If you don’t seek – you shall not find

My heart seeks not to claim you
No I don’t need to make you mine
Just want to be that thought that lights you up
Jumps in your head at random times

I want to be the one you long for
When you are lonely in your bed
The woman that would ‘get’ the joke
Know’s your words before they’re said

I’d love to be the lucky one
Who greets you when your’e home
The happy voice from far away
When talking on the phone

The girl who cooks your favourite meal
Loves your weakness and your strength
But I’m never close enough to try
Too far away – Held at arms length.

The cracks are on the inside
In case you didn’t know
I cover them with smiles and laughter
So the wounds they do not show

The cracks are growing deeper
And though they do not bleed
Allow the pain to penetrate
And so my fears on this they feed

The cracks cannot be mended
By application of another
As my worthiness cannot be measured
In terms of my value to a lover

And so my cracks begin to surface
And though from them I try to hide
I know I’ve earn’t each one, each battle scar
And like medals, should be worn with pride

I’m so sorry that I love you
Knowing you don’t feel the same

And I’m sorry that my heart does backflips
When I hear your name

I’m sorry that I told you
Your’e significant- it’s true

That I am sorry I can’t take it back
Retract the things I said to you

I apologise for caring
And for glimpses of my heart

I am sorry for my honesty
For being upfront from the start

I apologise for being weak
And letting you inside

I’m also sorry my affection grows
And so now i must confide

That I am sorry I’m not everything
A man desires to keep

But I’ll imagine that you love me
While you hold me as we sleep

The passing dark is full of shadows
And occasional windows of light
My heavy breath visible in the cold air
The balls of my feet land quickly on the ground
Pushing me further in the night

I turn to look behind me
But at this speed my vision fails
A gripping feeling in my chest it tightens
forcing a struggle for each breath
My eyes water, wide black pupils cover with teary veils

Heartbeat racing… sweat is dripping
The distance drawing ever near
I will my legs to forge on faster
Take me away from all those voices
Flee me to safety- lest I meet the one I fear

Yet as I run …feel like I’m fading
Where is the strength I had before?
I want that fire back, that burning energy
Not the panic in my veins here now
It’s in me somewhere, buried deep within my core

The path before me starts to blur
As scenery distorts before my eyes
In my confusion legs falter beneath me
I hit the pavement like a drunkard
Blood down my face, and then disorderly I rise

And like a slowly dawning new day
When nightfall parts to rays of sun
It’s in this moment forced to pause
My spinning head slows down to clarity
I see my past behind, It’s from myself I run

An understanding sweeps my conscience
As though I know what life’s about
Despite my flaws, my fails, imagined fears
If I’m to ever stand in sunlight
First I must step out of the shadow of self doubt